The Wessex Velo Ultimate Cyclist Test

Christmas isn’t just a week off work to get some miles in for next season, there’s pointless quizzes and the like to keep you amused in between. And in that vein we produce for your delectation the Wessex Velo ultimate cyclist test. Never mind the league, this is the test that matters: How much of a cyclist are you? Score one point for every ‘yes’ answer and tell us how you got on. Highest score might win a prize or something. The rest of you stick in there, it’s not much more than 6 weeks before the season starts!

The Wessex Velo Ultimate Cyclist Test (1 point for each ‘yes’ answer)

You can pin your number onto your skinsuit unaided.

You own a skinsuit.

You use the word ‘bonk’ without sniggering.

You own AT THE VERY LEAST a race bike, a training bike, a winter training bike, a time trial bike, a track bike, a mountain bike.

You do not think this in any way excessive.

You consider a bike below £1000 to be ‘cheap’.

You are prepared to spend the same again on a device that’s only purpose is to tell you that your maximum wattage is about enough to power a lightbulb.

You consider committing actual physical violence when somebody jokes about you getting a puncture.

 You put away epic amounts of food, and yet still have a 30” waist.

You have a 30” waist but have to get trousers several sizes bigger to fit over your   thighs.

You consider rides under 50 miles ‘easy’.

You have suffered arm pump descending a mountain.

While cycling, you have felt the effects of AT LEAST ONE of the following:

• Hypothermia.
• Hypoglycemia.
• Sunstroke.

Your respect for an individual is based entirely on what their best time is over 10 miles.

You can do AT LEAST ONE of the following:

• Take your gillet off and put it in your back pocket without stopping.
• Ride rollers no handed.
• Dismount from your bicycle and vault a gate, land safely and remount in one fluid motion while wearing cycling shoes.

You know your shoe size in European.

You know the circumference of your head in centimetres.

You know your weight to the nearest kilo.

You can pronounce Djamoladin Abdoujaparov correctly.

And Bouygues Telecom.

You have bought products from AT LEAST ONE of the following companies, despite you having no use for them.

• Saeco.
• Quickstep.
• Mapei.

You bought an album by Paolo Nuttini purely because his name sounds a bit like Paolo Bettini.

You have acquired either an interest in or hatred off AT LEAST ONE of the following sports through waiting for a cycle race to be shown on Eurosport:

• Volleyball.
• Biathalon.
• The World Touring Car Championship.

You have shouted at a close friend or family member because they had committed AT LEAST ONE of the following crimes:

• Asked if you enjoyed your ride when your ride was QUITE CLEARLY intervals on a 1 in 15 hill that you’re NOT S’POSED to enjoy.
• They couldn’t tell the difference between Shimano and Campagnolo.
• They’ve consoled you by saying ‘oh it’s not that bad’ after a particularly poor performance.

 Your job fits around your riding.

 Your social life fits around your riding.

 Your riding is your social life.

 Your riding is your job.